Finding Myself (when I didn't know I was lost)

You all know that song, right? "Wake me up" by Avicii?

So wake me up when it's all over
When I'm wiser and I'm older
All this time I was finding myself, and I
Didn't know I was lost

I had been hearing this song for years until it finally made sense to me. 

What does waking up to find yourself really mean?

And how do you figure out who you REALLY are? 

Let me tell you a story. 

I think the best stories always start with "once upon a time". 

However, this isn't fairy tale, this is real life. And real life is messy. 

So we'll start with this...once upon a MESSY time. I had a mid-life crisis. Or rather, I THOUGHT I had a mid-life crisis.

I had a successful career in advertising, I had recently quit my job to travel the world and work remotely, and everything was falling into place.

Accept, it wasn't. I was massively stressed trying to launch a freelance career, working 50-60 hours a week, surviving on espresso and tequila, and blending my salad into a smoothie because that was all I had time to eat.

I'd drink this green blended "meal" in the car on the way to an office -- to be in meetings all day, drink with friends at night, go home, shower, sleep, repeat. Not to say it wasn't successful or even fun, it was -- but it was satisfying a surface-level need and that's about it.

And to be honest...that paycheck didn't make me feel any better when it hit my bank account. In fact, most times I barely noticed the deposit. I was too busy working. 

I was raised Catholic, and I wanted to seek solace at church, I wanted to find God there. I'd listen to the readings on Sunday but they didn't really resonate within me. I left feeling empty, like I was searching for something to fill a void within me but I didn't know what I was searching for. 

The thing was, God was never truly missing. 

I'd soon find out what was. I was searching for ME.

I just didn't know this yet. 

I thought I needed TRAVEL. Brilliant, right?

So I left on a once-in-a-lifetime journey to work remotely in another country. I flew thousands of miles to Santiago, Chile with my laptop in hand to work remotely and try something new for a bit. Shift gears. Get some fresh perspective.

All was going well -- I was traveling with an amazing group of people, keeping up with work, trying new foods, traveling around Chile, but there still was this massive hole in my heart. 

This longing that I couldn't explain. 

You know that feeling, maybe? An ache of missing something but you don't quite know WHAT that is? 

 You feel like you're missing a piece of you. 

Truth is...it's because you are. 

It took a big, big shakeup for me to figure this out. Shakeup being --- Covid 19. We'd recently migrated to Lima, Peru and all of a sudden the country went into lockdown mode. 

Military lockdown. No one in or out of the country. Mandatory curfews, masks, gloves. You were allowed to leave your house for only emergency purchases -- food and banking.

I think during a single calendar month I left the house ONCE. But I got really, really lucky, and managed to live and work with an incredible group of friends in a house that faced the ocean in Lima. This was all part of the plan. Life slowed down a bit. 

And I took this time to go within. To breathe. To reflect. 

During this time (partly because we couldn't leave our home) I learned the Jose Silva method of meditation. I'd lay on the floor of the balcony facing the ocean and learned to just...breathe.

 And listen.

Here's the key to meditation -- you don't have to DO anything. Quite the opposite, really. 

You just need to breathe. And slowly, slowly, you start to listen. Not to your brain, not to any rational thought. But to what your heart is saying. 

I get it. You may be reading this and saying, "I tried meditation -- it didn't work for me. My thoughts kept interrupting me." 

Oh yes, they'll stop by. Knock on your door. Wave at you. Jump around. Hold one of those annoying spinning signs you see at used-car lots. Trying to get you to notice them.

But you can gently tell them to leave. Say,"I'll get back to you later". And they'll go away.

Trust me, if I (your super analytical, Type A Virgo) can do it, you can too! 

 And bring your attention back to your breath.

Slowly, I started to actually listen to myself. What I was feeling. And naming those feelings. 

Fear.

Worry.

Anxiety.

Judgement. 

Control.

Sound familiar?

As each of these came up, I allowed myself to feel that feeling. Really dig deep into it.

Why was I afraid? What am I afraid of?

What worried me? 

Why was I anxious? 

Why did I judge myself? 

What was I trying so desperately to control?

Here's the thing about control. Control...is an illusion. No one has control over anything.

And no one has control over YOU. 

Especially not your emotions.  Emotion simply means: energy-in-motion. They show up, and then they go away. 

So with that...I learned to say goodbye to these thoughts as they came up. 

However...all of this inner work took months. And a daily practice of releasing and allowing myself to literally purge this feeling out of my body. 

But slowly, you start rediscovering the pieces of yourself that you haven't exactly lost...but maybe, misplaced temporarily. :)

You find them, or they find you. 

It's a day by day thing, you take it a day at a time. And every day, we learn a little more. Consider it...self therapy. 

I studied energy healing, chakra meditations, breath work applications, mantras and more.

It all comes down to basically the same thing. 

Name that feeling that has been holding you back. And let it go. 

You don't need to carry it around with you anymore. 

Imagine cutting an invisible cord to whatever has been holding you back. 

You've carried this feeling with you for FAR too long. It's outworn its use (if it had any at all).

Let it go. 

This release I coupled with a few other incredible healing modalities including:

Self-love. Forgiveness. Gratitude.

I'll get into these later...but for now. 

Think about this: what emotion or fear can you release today?

What can you let go of that no longer serves you?

How can you truly be FREE to be YOU?

The more you release, the more you allow your true inner light, your truth to surface.

And after awhile, you'll start finding yourself again. 

You were never truly lost. 

....

Breathe. You got this.