Freeing Memories

So... I need to be honest. This blog took days to write. 

This is because my computer keeps yelling at me.

A box with an urgent yellow triangle in the right hand corner of my screen kept aggressively appearing with:

YOUR DISK IS ALMOST FULL.

SAVE SPACE BY OPTIMIZING STORAGE.

Oy. 

(IGNORE)

I’ve moved documents and folders to the cloud, but my computer has a woefully tiny drive and every giant PDF and powerpoint I download for work eats that right up. 

Finally, I surrendered to the yellow triangle, and the act of moving and removing files was actually a cathartic process. 

Each file I moved or deleted brought up a new memory. Some memories were very happy, others I greeted with an audible sigh of relief. 

Here’s the thing about memories. They are in the past. 

The initial pain, or happiness, whatever emotion they caused -- now presents a mirror to you — it is an echo of what you felt before.

You can never feel THAT thing again — joy, grief, pain, excitement, anger — for better for worse, that initial emotion is gone. 

But you CAN choose how you look back on that very moment. You choose what you feel right now. 

No emotion has any power over you, unless you allow it to be that way. 

We greet a lot of memories in this way. There are the exceptionally happy ones — ones where you feel absolutely glowing with joy. 

You can literally go back and touch a piece of the joy in that moment. Pictures often help us to literally tap into this energy — it’s been frozen in time. 

I love going back to remember the joy of summers with at my grandparents’ home. They had a row of current bushes in their backyard and I’d grab a tiny green bucket and pick these bright little red berries to snack on — they were delicious and tart in the best way. Every time I eat a current now I smile with this memory. 

My grandmother would teach me how to bake, and we’d all watch old TV shows together — Bewitched, Gilligan’s Island, The Andy Griffith Show. I loved it all. 

My grandfather and I would play chess together (he would always win, unless he literally fell asleep in his chair waiting for me to sllllooowwwly move a pawn, one space forward.) Or he’d play beautiful music for me on the piano. 

You remember the best parts. 

Other memories do the opposite. Maybe a painful childhood memory is rooted in your heart and it typically stays buried until something comes around that zaps it awake. 

For example -- perhaps not getting picked for an important new work project can trigger the feeling of not being picked for the soccer team as a kid. Somehow this current moment of someone not “choosing you” brings up that past childhood memory, and jolts buried feelings to the surface and suddenly the pain you feel is 10x worse!

This has happened to me. I wrote a multi-page proposal for a client after several meetings where we discussed the terms, they were very complimentary and everything was moving ahead. 

I spent hours working on the brand audit they requested for free, on the "good faith" that this client would accept my proposal. (Smart, right? haha). 

And then, big surprise. They stopped responding just after I sent the audit and asked about signing the contract.

Poof. Ghosted. Crickets. 

I started writing a follow-up email after not hearing from them for weeks, and let me tell you, the first several drafts were NOT kind or eloquent. I think I wrote something like:

Dear massive inconsiderate jerks, 

Wow. Seriously? We went through this three ring circus of proposals and pitching for you to just steal my work? Was this your master plan all along? My work was good enough to use but not good enough for you to actually PAY me, and instead you ignore me? There's a special place in hell for people who...

Don't worry, I absolutely did not send this!

But as I sat and wrote and re-wrote, I realized that the pain I was feeling wasn't worth it. It is perfectly normal to unleash emotions though writing, healthy even. But sending it would be extremely unprofessional. 

So, I deleted that email. My pain shouldn't be transferred to anyone else, and it won't affect them, so it was up to me to resolve and heal it all on my own. 

But, honestly the whole situation made me feel like a little kid again, the same shitty feeling of sitting on the bench -- steeped in the rejection of not being picked for the team. 

When you're in a stressful current situation that surfaces a buried emotional pain, it feels like you’re being attacked with multiple emotions from the past and present…sort of like ping pong balls flying at you from every direction. 

Here's what I do. 

First. I walk away.

I take a giant step away from the aggressive ping pong balls (my emotions). I get a a cup of coffee, go for a walk, whatever. I need some space from the situation. 

Second, metaphorically speaking, I pick up each ping pong ball and name the emotion. 

What AM I feeling, exactly? 

Irritation, completely. (I worked hard to pitch that project.)

But dig a little deeper. What else.

Resentment? 

Disappointment?

Yes...and?

Rejection. 

Unworthiness.

They made me feel like I wasn't worthy.

But here's the thing. They didn't make me feel anything. 

I brought those feelings on myself.  

That’s the root of the issue. But now that I named it, I don’t have to accept it. 

Yes, they were rude and unprofessional. But I had two choices -- be upset about it or let it go. 

So with those negative feelings...I let them go. 

Not getting picked by a client probably has many other real, logical factors than someone thinking you aren’t “good enough” for their project. 

This is where you balance your emotions with logical, rational thought. 

I often take a breath, and look at the situation from the other person’s point of view…walk in their shoes for a minute. 

By taking a step back from an emotional situation, you’re giving yourself the gift of time. This time helps you to process the situation and understand it from a new perspective. 

So, what could they be dealing with? Maybe they had budget cuts. Or perhaps someone was let go, and suddenly the work they were going to give you doesn’t exist anymore. Or maybe their business doesn't exist anymore (this has happened!).  

Whatever the case may be, there’s often way more to the story then we can see.

But here’s where you hold the true power. 

You choose exactly how you react to that situation in the present moment.

And…you can choose exactly how you react to a past childhood memory at the same time. 

You can look back fondly, or even look back in sadness, but the past doesn’t hold power over you. 

You can now CHOOSE how you feel about the past. 

And. 

You can CHOOSE how you feel in the present. 

Here's what you need to remember: 

You are talented. 

You are worthy.

You are capable. 

You are confident. 

And, most importantly, you are loved. 

When you step out of the emotion of pain and into the emotion of love, even if that love is from you, to you, the entire present situation changes. 

Step into your power, out of the past. 

The emotions no longer control you, and you can choose how to react to the memory. 

Memories are important, and they’re a piece of us that define us, one we’ll take with us always.

But if there's a negative emotion around a memory…maybe that’s taking up a little space in your heart. 

Or... your hard drive. :)

This has made me think:

• where can I "free up space" in my mind?
• how can I let go of how I once used to react to a memory?
• can I change the way I view that old memory now?

The only moment that truly matters is right now. 

But do me a favor...find a positive memory today, something that really lights you up and hang on to that joy for a moment. 

Let it bring a smile to your face. 

And then share that brilliant smile with others, because everyone could use a little extra happiness right now. 

And if ever you’re in doubt...take a deep breath and remember: 

You got this.