How to: alchemize self-hate into self-love

Want to know a secret on how to kick negative thoughts to the curb for good?

Let me tell you a little story. 

I want to introduce you to someone that I've disinvited from my life.

My inner-critic. 

Ooo, I have lived with this little b#%th my entire life. She is NOT fun. Nope.

She was the part of me I hid the most, so no one had ever met her but me. 

(TBH: Even writing about this is mildly uncomfortable, but if this post helps anyone, I'm happy!)

Ok....so. 

You see this version of me now, that one that's a happy, peaceful, healed/(ing) person?

Well, to get there, I had to fight off someone completely different. 

She is the definition of negative Nancy. 

I'm a Virgo sun, with a Capricorn moon. 

I know how to work hard and diligently towards my goals -- I've got great focus. 

I also know how to use my thoughts as weapons against me. 

The very textbook definition of INNER CRITIC.

I used to beat myself up for literally anything that went wrong.

Truly -- I was harder on myself than anyone ever was on me. 

A total mental punching bag.

My thoughts, on any given day, would go something like this: 

Someone didn't text me back? I must have made them mad. Therefore, I am horrible. They hate me now. 

Someone didn't invite me to a party? It must have been something I said. I'll never hear from them again. 

A company didn't pick me for a job? I must have offended them in the interview. 

This negative self-talk was constant. Daily. 

Sometimes hourly. Or by the minute. 

Sometimes the negative spirals would be so bad I wouldn't want to talk to anyone. 

My inner-critic would thrive on the bad experiences of the past and dig them up whenever things are going south.

Oooo, Kristina, your project didn't go well today? 

Well, it's because you're not good enough and you're not smart enough. You never have been. Remember that school project on the state of Iowa you got a C on? It was just average. You didn't care about Iowa (I really didn't haha). 

You are average. 

You can't do this.

You should just give up right now. 

They're going to fire you because of this.  

It's done. Just walk away. 

My friends, it was CON.STANT. 

And exhausting!! 

It would make you feel like you're a prisoner to your own thoughts. 

My little inner critic would regurgitate pain of my past and had almost made me think I was a complete and total failure at many points in my life. 

And she was RELENTLESS.

She used to spiral on the bad so hard that you're lost in a deep, dark hole of despair. 

How did I shut her up? 

Candidly? Alcohol would help. Temporarily. 

A cocktail or several would take the edge off the voice, but it always came back. 

Usually in full force the next day, when my head was pounding with a hangover, "Why did you go and do THAT!? You're pathetic!". 

UGH!!!!!

But then one day, I woke up and eventually realized that her voice wasn't actually....helpful. 

Here's one thing you'll know about me, I'm very logical. 

I like it when things make logical sense. 

And if I was really, truly honest with myself, the thoughts coming from my inner critic were not LOGICALLY helpful. 

That the negative thoughts never made me feel better, they only made me feel WORSE.

I realized my thought patterns weren't logical and were a waste of time. 

So I had to change them a bit. Get in control of them. 

And...I learned a neat little tool that changed everything. 

That silenced her for GOOD. 

Want to know more?

Here's the secret.

Self love.

I know, I know, you've heard this a lot. It's kind of like self-care, that's part of it, but this is different.

This is recognizing when those spirals are happening, that you can step OUT of it. 

You look at the thought for a second and say, hey, wait a second. 

That thought is just not true.

You recognize the negative thought as just that -- a THOUGHT.  That's it.

Zoom out a bit. 

See it for what it TRULY is. 

And then, my conversation with my inner critic would shift...

IC:  Helllloooooo. It's me. Just reminding you that. You. You are a faaaailure, Kristina. Sink into that doubt. Feels good, right? 

ME: Uh, no. It doesn't. It feels sticky and awful. And I'm not. You're wrong. Look at how many times I've succeeded, I've done this before and I've always gotten through it. I will get through this again. 

IC: That may be true, but look at who didn't call you back this week. They don't want you. They don't like you. No one likes you. 

ME: Really? That's not true either. Look at how much love I have in my life. There are tons of people that love and support me. 

And better yet, I can love and support ME. Go away, inner critic. Your thoughts are worthless.

IC: Silence. 

It's literally a moment in time when you STOP the cycle of being the worst friend ever to yourself. And shift that energy back into love.

That's the power. 

Think about it. 

Let's say I would say to myself --"I hate you, you're the worst, you suck, you're ugly and a failure and a terrible human."

Would you ever say that to a friend, out loud? Probably not. 

So why would you say this to yourself?

Be kind to this incredible person!!!

Instead of telling yourself all the things that are going wrong, you start telling yourself all the things that are going RIGHT.

You put your hand on your heart. 

Imagine yourself as a little kid.

Maybe like, 7 or 8 years old. 

You go up to them and say: 

"Hey. It's ok. You are safe. You are wonderful. You can do this, you got this." 

It's literally stepping OUT of your body and viewing yourself from the outside in. 

Hugging that beautiful person. 

Loving them.

Giving them the compassion they need. 

Maybe the very compassion you needed at 7 or 8, but didn't get.

That's ok. You have a very powerful opportunity to give yourself that love NOW. 

I have a mentor that says -- "Love yourself like you'd love a pet, or a friend, or a family member, or a lover."

Take for example, Sage, my dog. 

I freaking LOVE this little creature. She's the best. 

She's wacky and strange and adorable and somewhat annoying/crazy and soothing all the same time. Anyone who has met her, will agree to this haha

So I'll think about what it feels like to have her greet me when I get home...and it's the most beautiful, insane, HAPPY LOVE of OHMYGODYOUAREHOMEYESSSSI MISSEDYOUSOMUCH!!!!

Pet owners, you know I'm right!!

Ok, so...I call in that feeling for mySELF, and love myself in that way, in that moment. 

Feel Sage-love for ME. 

That same, ecstatic, puppy jumping all over you and licking your face with undying love -- that energy? I feel that for ME.

To me, from me. Just for a few minutes, that's all it takes! 

And release that spiral of bad. 

Release the negativity and call in that LOVE instead. 

It's making your thoughts work FOR you, and not against you.

It's going on a mental diet and starving yourself of all the shit-talking you've been doing against yourself.

And I'm not saying it's easy!! 

It takes effort, consistent effort. Daily effort.

But it is so, so worth it. Because suddenly, I found myself feeling happier...

Lighter. More at peace with myself.

I let go of all those old stories from the past, those old opinions.

The ones I picked up as a child, a teenager, or even just a few years ago.

I let that all go. 

And I thought a NEW thought.

One that felt good. Light. Helpful.

You are strong. 

You are MORE than your thoughts.

You are incredible.

You can do the same, I promise!

The next time you feel yourself sliding down the mental slide of everythingisterribleahhhbadbadbad

And you're feeling badly...this. is a HUGE opportunity!!

When things feel bad its your body shaking you a bit and saying --- HEY! Wake up! You can shift out of this!

Stop for a second. Take a deep breath.

And call back your power, your resilience.

Look at how FAR you have come.

You have survived 100% of the worst days of your life.

You are brave, you are competent, you are WORTHY of the best life has to offer.

You are simply amazing. 

Send ecstatic, puppy-licking-your-face-with-joy-love to you, from you.

YOU GOT THIS!

PS: And if you ever need a reminder of how amazing you are, please get in touch...I'd love to help in any way I can.