How to: re-discover your true self (and let go of judgement)

The Last Judgement -- Cattedrale di Santa Maria del Fiore Duomo, Florence, Italy

"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."

I said these words while staring down at my folded hands, clasped together nervously.

My knees were shaking as I breathed in the stale air of the tiny, wood paneled confessional with the red carpet. My chair creaked. 

I chose to sit across from the priest, looking into his kind face as he smiled at me.

"What would you like to confess, Kristina?"

Fr. Litzau was a kind, generous man. He was soft spoken and had a gentle way of being. 

He knew me already. I had started singing for church masses when I was 7 years old, leading the entire liturgy in song. 

He always had thanked me after Mass and this gratitude stuck with me for the previous 3 years. 

Today, in parochial school, for religion class during Lent, we had "group reconciliation" -- where instead of class, we all came to confess our sins. 

While there were a number of priests available, I got Fr. Litzau.

He was easily in his early 80s, staring at me in a white robe with a purple sash, the Bible sitting on a table beside him with a little lamp. He waited. 

Smiling, patiently.

I stared at the carpet. 

I wasn't scared, but the problem was...I didn't know what to confess.

The minutes ticked by uncomfortably.

"I...would like to confess...that...I...um."

I stammered. I didn't really have the words to express what I was feeling or what I was sorry for.

"I'm sorry for...disappointing my mother....?"

(I was always disappointing my mother so this was easy to confess.)

I stopped. 

He nodded for me to go on. I paused. 

"And...I'm sorry for yelling at my brother. It wasn't nice."

(Again, no big surprise there.)

He nodded again. I closed my eyes. 

This popped into my head, so I blurted out: 

"And..I'm sorry for...for lying to myself."

Here, I paused. 

Was this a sin?

His eyebrows raised, he asked,  "Would you like to say anymore about this?"

I paused again.

If I really, really, really thought hard about it....I had lied to myself over and over again. 

I had betrayed myself. Told myself I wasn't good enough or wasn't worthy.

Judged myself.

Compared myself to others.

I was meaner to myself then anyone else was to me.

I just wasn't sure if this was a "sin" or if God only cared about what I did to other people?

I stalled. 

"Um. I don't think I tell myself the truth. And I judge myself a lot. And that feels bad."

He looked at me thoughtfully. Perhaps this was more honest than he -- or I -- was ready for. 

He smiled back and said, "Anything else?"  

But nothing about my real confession. No comments. 

I wanted all of this to be over, please. I wanted out of the tiny box, where it was too hot and too crowded and the air was stuffy. 

I shook my head.

He asked me to say my act of contrition, which I dutifully memorized, and he made the sign of the cross and said a few prayers, told me to say 3 Hail Marys and to be kind to my mother and brother, and I left. 

Rather, I bolted out of the wood door and slid into a pew to say my prayers next to my classmates, breathing a sigh of relief.

I didn't feel truly relieved. I felt...confused. 

This was it? I thought guidance from Heaven was supposed to feel like rays of sunshine? Or that I'd feel..."free" and unburdened and happy?

No?

I was in fourth grade and this was the foundation of my relationship to self-reflection.

If this story sounds familiar to you, you probably were introduced to these spiritual concepts in a similar way -- though your religion or upbringing may have been different.

I was not taught that lying to myself or that judgement was a "sin" exactly, but somehow, this "sin" felt worse than the others. 

My soul recognized it as truth.

Beating yourself up just doesn't feel good.

And for me, this self-betrayal was noticeable. 

What I needed in this moment was -- a reminder that I am deeply loved by God. 

And to be gentle with myself. 

And maybe some questioning as to why I was being so hard on myself...

But neither I, nor Fr. Litzau, was prepared to go deeper to uncover the root of this, and to begin to understand what elements were leading to this...and how to release them.

Because of this, this was the extent of spiritual guidance for me.

And it would remain this way for many years. 

I couldn't change, because I didn't know how.

From childhood until I was 35, I would dutifully go to church every Sunday. 

I would listen to the readings. I would say my prayers. 

But my spirituality was limited to the Catholic "container" I was given. 

Until COVID. 

I started this blog with my story, of how my deeper relationship with spirituality was "sparked" when I was stranded in Peru for months when they shut down the borders in March 2020. 

I couldn't GO to church in Lima or anywhere, physically, to pray.

So I began to explore other avenues of connecting with the Divine. 

Of meditating. Of exploring different religions and aspects of spirituality. 

And slowly, I began to see that God (Source/Spirit) did not "live"only in church. 

(For years, I thought "He" did ...that church -- but only a Catholic church! -- was God's permanent residence).

This belief changed to...God is, and was, within me, all the time. 

During this exploration, I begun take classes around spirituality, energy medicine, astrology, herbalism, shamanic healing and more.

What I learned was that judgement -- and the concept of right and wrong, of good and evil, Heaven vs. Hell, is merely a perspective in the world of many perspectives.

(Nothing like bodies being flayed alive to inspire you to be "good" right?!...my amazing friend Korin and I literally fled this church in Florence before the tour was over because the whole thing felt so...overbearing!)

And these beliefs of right and wrong have been handed down over many, many religions, and many, many generations. 

But who really decides what "right" is versus what "wrong" is?

We are constantly labeling and categorizing the present world in our mind, based on our patterning and conditioning. 

The mind is on autopilot for judgement. 

We constantly label people -- places -- things -- as "good" or "bad" as "desirable" or "avoidable".

We are constantly judging ourselves, the food we eat, the clothes we wear, our wrinkles or gray hair or body type as "good" or "bad". 

This, I have discovered, is black and white thinking, when the world is, in fact, many shades of gray.

What if we could make peace with paradox, and hold the tension of things being opposite without judging them? 

This non-dual awareness of things simply being as they are is FREEING.

And it allows us to give ourselves the freedom to just BE. 

Without comparing ourselves to others. 

We often look at what others are doing and we constantly try to "measure up" -- as if they hold the invisible bar to some line of happiness that we can achieve if only we have what they have.

Spinning on this wheel of judgement is exhausting, my friends. I know. 

I have spun on it for a while!

Until, I started increasing my awareness of it. Only then you can step off!

How to do this? Three ways to start:

1) Bringing awareness to when you compare yourself with others

2) Bringing awareness to to when you compare your present experience to how it was in the past

3) Bringing awareness to when you judge others and their choices in life

So, how do you start growing the awareness to release the cycle of ever-present judgement?

Two steps! Let's go. 

One: RUMBLE STRIP

When the conscious part of the mind decides that it no longer wants to live in self-judgement or comparison to others -- it's going to set off some rather large alarm bells when this inevitably does happen. 

Think of this like, the rumble strips on the highway when you go over the center line. 

"Oh man, look at Sally from my high school, she looks so beautiful and successful. She just got a brand new Tesla and my car is 12 years old and man I should probably hit the gym more so I can get arms like she has and maybe I should apply to that job so I have more money like she does and ugh, why don't I have more money, this sucks and why can't I just be more like Saaaaally....rrrrrrrruuuuuummmmgggggggggggggggggggrrgggggg."

Hit the rumble strip! 

STOP,  and swerve out of Sally's lane and back into MY lane...

Whew! Less about Sally. More about me. 

Let Sally be Sally. 

I can be me.

Right?

AMAZING.

THIS. IS. GREAT.

The fact that there is a deeper sense of awareness of these "auto-pilot" judgements is HUGE!!!!!

Here's the secret, my friends.

There is NO MEASUREMENT system that rules where anyone IS in life compared to where you are.

You are EXACTLY where you need to be!!

Ok, we stopped the thought process. Amazing.

Now what?!

Two: PICK A NEW THOUGHT

Catching yourself as you spin down a cycle of where you should be in life in comparison to anyone else is not easy. 

And it takes work. Daily practice.

But if you feel yourself falling into judgement, hit the pause button, and choose a new thought.

Feel into the present moment.

You are alive. 

You are a gift. 

You are a living, breathing, miracle. 

Think of three things you are grateful for -- right now.

(As I'm typing this, I'm grateful for -- the beautiful soul conversations I had today with lovely people, my delicious cup of coffee and the fact that Sage, my dog, is snuggled at my feet.)

This instantly, shifts your energy into what you HAVE right now.

What is working for you right this very second?

What made you smile today?

What is something you love about yourself?

If this isn't resonating, then...

Pick a mantra. Or an affirmation.

I am exactly where I need to be.

I am right on time for my life.

I am grateful for the present moment.

Everything is working out for me. 

All is well.

This instantly shifts the energy vibration from "lack" to "abundance".

It is a total mood booster, and it allows for an element of freedom, of things to be as they are without any judgement. 

Let others be themselves. 

Let them do what they will.

I focus on me, and be the best possible version of me that I can be.

For me, I let go of the idea of a contest, of rules, of a game to life that I have to "win"...and instead made my goal to be at peace. 

Any thoughts that rob me of my peace are not welcome! 

So...while I wish Fr. Litzau would have taught me more about this way of thinking when I was 10 years old, I'm glad I know it now.

We are often given a container for our beliefs, like a beautiful bowl that is gifted to us as a child. 

This bowl holds our beliefs about everything -- ourselves, others, and the world around us.

In order to grow, we may have to release this old "bowl" and that's not easy. 

It has been ours for our whole life. 

But by releasing the bowl, by breaking it even, we can find a new container that fits us better.

We expand and grow. 

We often need a bigger bowl to hold new beliefs, and more love, and that's ok.

This is all part of being human, and I'm here for it!

I've learned...that kindness to yourself is the biggest gift of all.

The more I released any expectation that I need to be where others are and do what they are doing -- the happier I became. 

Everyone's journey is unique, and I promise, everyone is dealing with their own struggles -- no matter if you see this on social media or not.

Your journey is unique.

You are amazing. 

Be gentle with yourself. 

You are exactly where you need to be, and I'm so proud of you.

Everything in your life is happening right on time.

Take a deep breath. 

Let it all go.

Keep going, my friend.

You got this.