How to: ditch the doubt and trust yourself
"The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change".
-- Carl Rogers
Ever had one of those instances that shifted your whole view of yourself in a single moment?
Where suddenly, you felt like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz going from black and white to a multi-colored, prismatic world?
A total, eye-opening occasion.
I had one of these moments about two years ago...but it wasn't pretty!
I'd been feeling really anxious, so I made an appointment with one of my mentors who has been truly influential on my spiritual journey.
I opened up Zoom, and we started chatting, and after about 10 minutes of talking....
...I received the equivalent of a swift, hard smack across the face.
OW.
Yup.
Lynnette is one of those incredible people that truly says it like it is, no sugar-coating... and in that moment...I was really struggling.
With fear.
I had a TON of fear.
Fear of criticism from others.
Fear of failure.
Fear of being seen for who I truly was.
Fear of speaking my truth.
All of these fears had worked themselves into a little tidy bundle of anxiety that sat neatly under my ribs, right at my solar plexus.
They made it hard to breathe.
They spent weeks, months, and years there, digging in with firm resolution -- paralyzing me from taking action.
All of these fears were keeping me feeling very, very stuck in life.
So, I brought these fears to her, and told her what I was grappling with.
She immediately stunned me with an intuitive remark that knocked me sideways.
"Kristina," she said, "You are trapped in a prison of your own thoughts right now."
"And... you're a Virgo sun with a Capricorn moon. You... basically hate yourself every day, right?"
"Why?" She smiled.
I stared at her, quietly stunned that she knew this private truth that I thought I'd hidden SO WELL.
And I didn't know what to say.
She continued, "Look around. Who, or what, is the cause of all of this fear?"
I looked back at the camera at her and thought about it, my cheeks growing warm at being called out.
"No one," I said. "Well...me? I guess."
I cringed. Oof. This was rough.
She laughed and said, "You are WAY too hard on yourself. Release those thoughts that keep you trapped in your head, and you will be free.""
"How?" I wondered out loud, "How do I free myself?"
"Well," she replied, "The first step is getting curious about what you are thinking... and figuring out whose voice that is. Where are those thoughts coming from?"
Ok then. I had some (shadow) work to do.
So. I went on a little journey to uncover the root of all of this crippling self-doubt.
I increased my awareness of my thinking patterns, noticing when it cropped up.
It was especially loud whenever I was under pressure -- a deadline for work, for example.
I would say to myself, over and over, "you don't have enough time, you will never get it done."
In reality? I always got the work done. Always.
But I started thinking back to that idea...when did I think I couldn't do something?
When, in my life, was I under pressure to perform...and how did I fail?
And BOOM, it brought me right back to elementary school.
Specifically, to the dreaded GYM CLASS.
The smell of teen spirit deodorant and too many kids sweating at once.
Of squeaky shoes and too bright lights and that sinking dread of not being picked for the team.
DUN DUN DUN.
I HATED gym class. HATED. With a passion.
With the heat of a thousand suns.
Ok, so do you all remember those (insane) exercises where they hung a freaking industrial ROPE from the rafters of the gym and were like, "Ok, kids, you get to climb this today?!!"
HOW FUN.
Seriously. This is hard for ADULTS if the rope was stationary, but it kept MOVING. For kids?!
Crazy.
PS: I sincerely hope this exercise has ended in modern day gym class because damn, the 90s were rough...!! haha
I remember all eyes being on me as I would have to jump up and grab this unwieldy rope, and then attempt to climb vertically up super scratchy fibers that burned your hands and legs while trying not to fall off -- and there was NO MAT.
Just hard gym floor below, and the judging eyes of 24 other kids.
Torture.
Newsflash: I was not super athletic as a kid, and my parents didn't put me in sports (because I was terrible at it).
Not blessed with coordination until...well. Let's be honest. I'm still not really blessed with coordination! haha
I would much rather sit in silence and read than play t-ball, and they didn't force the issue (bless them).
But because of this, I could hear the kids snicker behind my back as I clung on like a helpless baby koala on a tree branch to the wildly swinging rope while the teacher blandly told me to "climb higher, Kristina."
DUDE. I AM TRYING. I would if I COULD!!
I knew I couldn't climb more than a foot or two off the ground, and I remember the feeling of shame burning my cheeks as I climbed down slowly while the kids giggled.
Ugh.
Or... (equally dread-able) math class, when the teacher would give us a problem to solve and I would stand at the chalkboard, fighting back tears, because I just couldn't get my brain to solve the math problem.
Math is STILL something I struggle with.
It didn't help that I actually couldn't see the chalkboard from my seat either.
I actually desperately needed glasses but didn't want to admit this to a single soul.
Instead, I would squint and cross my fingers and hope for the best when I was called on. I know.
I had one math teacher who said out loud, "What, are you just STUPID, Kristina? Are you blind?"and I sat there, stunned.
I FELT stupid, that's for sure.
But I said nothing to her, just stared at my hands, blinking back tears that fell anyway and smudged the pencil marks on my looseleaf paper.
And let the class snicker, yet again.
I really hated grade-school. And kids can be REALLY mean.
But I digress.
This exercise of tracing back the thoughts was really helpful.
PAINFUL. But helpful.
All of my adult self-doubt was really just reflecting the thoughts of my inner child who didn't feel...good enough.
And somehow, these experiences were at the root of the self-doubt I was feeling as a then 37 year old woman.
Our upbringing and early childhood experiences can really influence how we feel about ourselves as adults.
Past traumas, previous failures, a lack of support all can contribute to the thoughts that keep you trapped in a mental prison.
But here's the secret. There are simple ways to ditch the doubt for GOOD and change your internal narrative.
And...
PS: you have a superpower. :)
Here's how I do it...
#1: Challenge the Thought
The next time a thought like, "Ugh, I'm not good enough, I can't do this" creeps in...challenge it!
Ask yourself, "Is this thought based on fact or assumption?" and see what comes back.
Often, that thought is just an old grade-school fear come back to haunt you.
It can't hurt you now!!!
Shift it into, "I'm more than capable, and I'm learning as I go."
Instant win! And speaking of wins...
#2: Count Your Wins
Look back on this year, and think about them. All the golden experiences.
What turned out better than expected?
Where have you shifted an old pattern or belief?
Where have you taught yourself something new?
Growth isn't easy, but you can congratulate yourself on how far you've come...
You are NOT who you were before. Spend 5 minutes writing down 3 big wins this year and you will absolutely kick doubt to the curb.
You.
ARE.
AMAZING!!!
#3 Find a Mentor
I'm super lucky, and I've had many amazing mentors in my life. Some of them I was born with (my grandfather, for one) others fell into my life by happy accident, and others I sought out.
All of these people helped me see ME from a different perspective, and helped me to reframe and re-train my thoughts.
A therapist, a coach, a mentor or a healer can all help you see strengths you may struggle to see for yourself.
PS: I still meet with my mentors whenever I can to re-up my courage or need a different perspective, and it helps every time.
#4 Take Action (and trust your intuition)
Sometimes the best thing to do when you're feeling trapped in a mental prison is to just do...something.
You prove that thought wrong by saying -- "NOPE. I trust myself."
But here's the super-secret life hack...
Your intuition is the BIGGEST tool to help you trust yourself more.
Ok, so how do we do THAT?
Self-doubt often spirals from overthinking and second guessing.
Intuition, on the other hand, presents itself as a clear, immediate knowing.
Where self-doubt comes up as a reaction to external standards (ahem, what the OTHER kids think in gym class, who cares!!) intuition is connects you to your authentic self.
This means...what matters to YOU.
What resonates with YOU.
What aligns with your values.
If something feels off and is causing you to doubt, get super quiet and super curious and ask yourself...does this feel aligned with who I am?
You may be surprised what you "hear" back.
So! How do you find those moments of intuitive connection to better trust yourself?
#1: Your body talks:
- Chills, tingles, a "gut feeling" all may show up in your body when something feels RIGHT.
- Conversely, if it feels OFF -- you may feel a tightness in your chest or heaviness in your stomach.
- For example -- a gut reaction to a new person that feels like queasiness could indicate they aren't trustworthy...but meeting someone whose energy feels like honey and sunshine and just CLICKS with you could indicate you've met a soulmate.
Helpful, right? :)
- The key is to take note of this feeling over time - journaling is incredibly helpful to write down and validate your own feelings in your body and how they shift and change over time.
#2: Intuition often comes as subtle, but persistent nudges.
- If you keep having the same thought, the same dream, hearing the same song lyrics over and over, you keep seeing the same repeating number pattern like 111, 222, 123 or a repeating birthdate -- that's often your intuition telling you something KEY!
- You can look up the significance of the sign online, but really, it's often a little nudge from the universe in a specific direction, or it's letting you know that your intentions have been heard.
- Hint: going into a meditation where you ask, "what does this sign mean?" or setting an intention before you go to sleep will often reveal deeper insights!
#3: Look for patterns where your intuition has led you in the right direction.
- For example, you felt like you shouldn't take that job offer and decided to decline it.... then, months later, found out that that company just had massive layoffs.
- Or you followed an intuitive pull to go to a restaurant and ....bumped into an old friend who you hadn't seen in years.
- The key here is -- trust what you're feeling, and look for the pattern and it will lead you to a deeper knowing.
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The Cliffs of Moher, Ireland ( A bucket list location... I've always gotten chills thinking of it!) |
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