How to: upgrade your life

BEEEEEP BEEEEEP BEEEEP BEEEEEP

Noooooo not AGAIN. 

UGH. 

My smoke alarm was wailing loudly, demanding I pay attention to whatever was causing that horrible smell in my kitchen.

I raced downstairs in my pjs, hair half curled -- to hastily grab an oven mit and yank open the oven door. 

Black smoke floated out of my oven around a sad piece of charred black sourdough for the second time this week. 

Craaaaap.

I sigh as I carry the cookie sheet over to the trash bin and toss the toast, feeling dejected.

And ...hungry. 

I'm rushing out the door, and I don't have a toaster, so I have a habit of throwing my toast under the broiler on 550 degrees -- and walking away to go get ready for my day.

Yeahhhh. 

I know, this isn't the BEST pattern.

It is one that has not served me well. 

And usually results in burnt toast, a horrible smell, and a smoke alarm that very loudly announces juuust how much you screwed up at 7:30am.

Fantastic.

Here's the thing though.

I burned a TON of toast before I got really, really sick of burning toast and decided that something needed to change.

The smoke alarm was my fork in the road saying: 

HEY LADY. YOU CAN CHANGE THIS.

With many things in life, we're running on autopilot. 

We don't often think of why we're doing something, we just do it and keep going.

The number one secret I've learned over time to completely upgrade and change your life is...

...awareness of your patterns.

This is a SUPERPOWER.

Your brain is a computer, and you think of an old pattern as a program you can uninstall.

But it takes a little patience to figure out.

So...how do you figure out what pattern or habit needs to change to upgrade your life?

Let's dive in.

#1: Gain Awareness of the Pattern and...Try the Opposite 

Getting mad at a pattern is a bit like getting mad at a child or a dog.

It doesn't actually change anything.

Yelling at yourself and saying, "AARRGHH WHY did you leave the toast on broil again you should KNOW better you do this every time!?"

Yeah, that doesn't really make you feel better at all.

It makes you feel worse!

Your patterns and habits are also often there for a reason.

Some of them you may have needed earlier in life. 

Perhaps there was someone in your life that would get extremely vocal when they were mad...maybe they would start yelling, or be physically violent.

If you expressed how you felt and they exploded at you, you may have felt as though your emotions didn't matter, which then means you don't feel safe expressing how you feel now.

So you kept your emotions locked up tight -- to survive.

But here's the deep truth...that person yelling at you? 

Maybe they didn't receive respect as a child (which is so sad).

So they bottle up all those feelings (which can eventually explode out of nowhere)...

Or ...they built a hard shell around their heart and disconnected from others, because it felt safer that being open to people who won't meet their needs. 

Please know -- someone else's patterns and actions are NOT a reflection of you.

Patterns of anger often come from not feeling heard.

Patterns of distraction can be a coping mechanism for not feeling seen.

Patterns of addiction form because - at the moment -  grief or loss couldn't be handled.

So much of what we do in life stems from childhood. 

And sometimes if we don't resolve a pattern, it gets passed on.

And ultimately -- the patterns that keep us trapped, keep us from love.

So we need to a) become aware of them and b) choose a new path.

I struggled with this. 

Truth: I used to be extremely hyperviligant. 

This means that my nervous system was on overdrive -- reading the energy of everything in order to perceive a possible threat.

I was constantly worried that someone was mad at me and I took every action personally -- especially someone's silence.

If any of you reading this were raised in a household with the "silent treatment", you may have felt the same way.

You learn to walk on eggshells because you don't want to upset that person.

And in truth -- they may have been struggling with intense emotions and feelings at the time and didn't know how to express them or release them.

But as a child, you don't know this. 

The pattern I learned was  -- if someone suddenly retreats, goes silent, or stops responding -- they MUST be mad at me.

This pattern began to play out in friendships. At work.

In dating relationships.

It became my responsibility to monitor everyone's moods around me constantly so that my nervous system felt safe.

But once I became aware of this pattern -- one that may have been necessary earlier in life -- I realized that I no longer needed it as an adult.

It had outworn its use.

True story: I had a friend once who I asked to meet for lunch...and she didn't show up.

There was radio silence as a response to my text to her to see where she was.

My pattern? KEEP texting her, to ask what was wrong, to try to stop the anxiety I was feeling because I thought she was mad at me. 

Until, I met the FEAR of what would happen if I didn't text her.

Confronting the fear: the choice not to do the pattern would mean...

I say nothing, and give her the space she needs.

I send her love. 

She may be dealing with something intense, and I trust that she knows I'm always here if she wants to talk. 

When she did reach out she said she was navigating some intense family challenges and would love to meet for coffee.

When we met, she said that her own pattern was withdrawing from the world when things got intense. 

She said it was tough to be social when there was a tornado of emotions inside of her.

She admitted that "ghosting" was her pattern...because she didn't want to burden anyone with her emotions, and thought she could handle it all on her own.

She told me that the day she didn't meet me for lunch, she spent in bed in deep depression.

She said didn't want to bring that energy to our lunch that day -- she didn't want me to know.

I got up from the table and hugged her.

And I thanked her for her vulnerability -- and told her I'd rather she was always honest with me rather than hiding how she felt.

And... that I was strong enough to help her carry her burden for a bit!

Our friendship grew much stronger that day. We both agreed to reach out and be honest when we needed the other person -- and our friendship has never been better. 

You may not know what is going on in someone's life, but being open, compassionate, and providing a safe space is always a step in the right direction.

And this situation taught me so much about my own patterns.

The key with patterns is -- what is the OPPOSITE way of doing something that I haven't tried yet?

If someone says something rude to me...what would happen if I DIDN'T get angry?

What would happen if I did not immediately run to distraction?

What if I didn't run to pour myself a glass of wine to numb the anxiety?

What would happen if I shared my feelings instead of hiding them?

What if I took a deep breath...and calmly stated what I needed, while honoring what they needed as well?

By seeing -- and meeting -- our patterns with love, understanding where they are coming from and why they were there, we can release them...and create new, better, healthier habits.

#2: Identify the DEFAULT state + the DESIRED state

Understanding the root of why we're doing something often has a lot to do with our default state.

In my burnt toast example...my default state is that I'm running late AND that I was terribly impatient.

Truth. Working on it! haha

So... then I ask myself...

Do I want to remain in this default state of....frazzled and irritated?

Is this preferable? Is being late my ideal "desired state"?

Do I want that SUPER annoying smoke alarm blaring at my face every day???!?!!?

Yeah, probably not. 

So then I ask...ok. 

Kristina, what is your desired state?

What does an ideal morning look like?

It would be not rushing out to the door -- eating breakfast calmly and slowly. 

Thoughtfully. 

Enjoying my coffee. 

Having delightfully unburnt toast -- ha!

So that means...I need more time in the morning. 

Ah...so what needed to shift here is how I'm managing and allocating my time.

...maybe getting up 15 minutes earlier..

...maybe not scrolling on my phone for 15 minutes...

But more so, maybe it's about a job where I don't need to rush out the door?

Where I can work from home?

Where I can eat breakfast on my own time and work when and how it suits me?

Hmmm. Quite literally -- food -- for thought!

This is about getting into the desired state and seeing if the default matches.

And if not -- you HAVE THE POWER to change it!

( Plus....we all just get one life...why not make it the best life?)

#3 Install a New Pattern like  -- the"Isn't it wonderful?" Technique. 

This is a life hack that comes from the incredible Neville Goddard.

Neville is a remarkable man that changed his life by simply changing the way he thought.

When you find yourself in a pattern...an old way of being...you have to flip the script.

His take: imagine the BEST case scenario, instead of the worst.

AND. It works.

My car was recently stuck in the snow in an alley near my home (I live in Wisconsin, this happens) and with my wheels literally spinning, I felt like I couldn't go anywhere.

....halp!!...

Old pattern: PANIC. ie -- I am stuck forever. Should have packed water. I live in my car now.

New pattern: TRUST. This is temporary. All is well. 

I took a breath, closed my eyes, and said to myself:

Isn't it wonderful that someone just came to help me?

Isn't it wonderful how someone just shoveled my car out with me?

Isn't it wonderful that I'm now home, safe and happy?

Isn't it wonderful that I have neighbors that are amazing?

Isn't it wonderful that it all worked out?

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I flooded my brain with gratitude and visualized the help appearing. 

I felt the joy of everything working out.

I got out of the car and took out my mini shovel, and started to unbury my car. 

Within minutes, a kind man showed up (holding a 6 pack of beer) and then, a woman (seriously) carrying a very random bag of kitty litter came out of her house (I can't make this up) -- both of them helped me free my car nearly instantly by working with me.

I was so grateful and happy!!

Positive thinking is POWERFUL.

Patterns can be changed...pick the positive thought, and watch how it changes your reality.

Patterns can be changed.

But...they have to be acknowledged (with love) to be "uninstalled". 

You are NOT your patterns, my friend.

You are not "difficult".

You are are not broken.

You are not an inconvenience. 

You matter. 

You are important.

You are a survivor.

You are whole.

You are worthy.

You are POWERFUL.

You can change your life.

Give yourself grace for what you didn't know before, that you know now.

And know that you can set yourself free to live a completely NEW way, anytime you'd like.

So if its releasing a pattern like people-pleasing or even just impatient toast-making -- a better life lives on the other side of it. 

You are so, incredibly capable.

Growth happens when you work towards it.

You are strong enough to move past the familiar into the unknown territory. 

You are strong enough to lean into the discomfort of choosing a new way of being.

This is EXCITING. 

You may even find yourself feeling more open, more curious, more energized as you "upgrade" your patterns and habits.

Let this excitement pull you through the fear of changing who you've been.

This new energy is showing you that you're moving in the right direction!

I'm so proud of you.

Keep going.

Keep choosing YOU.

You are not alone. 

YOU GOT THIS.