How to: feel safe (when life feels unstable)
Here it is.
Deep down, I truly used to think that the core idea of being "safe" meant... having money.
That it meant having a "stable" job, a 401k, a home, a nice car, a fancy job title.
Not that these things aren't important. They are! But...there's more to stability than that.
All of these material things wrapped around my ego in a pretty little bow...and as I waltzed around with my $7 latte on stilettos in a silk blouse and skirt and sat in executive meetings in leather chairs on 40th floor boardrooms with CEOs, I felt "safe".
But...did I?
Here's what was really going on.
If you had asked me if my body felt safe in this environment, I would have responded very differently.
That $7 latte coupled with a quick protein smoothie and a "sad salad" meant that in those meetings...I was constantly hungry and had to quickly cough in a silent moment to cover up the extremely loud noise of my stomach growling.
It meant that I was in the bathroom quickly dabbing on concealer to cover up my under-eye circles because I couldn't sleep.
It meant that I had to hold my hands under hot water for several minutes before I shook someone's hand because mine were freezing cold.
It meant that I was standing in the bathroom quickly rehearsing my slides in the mirror and practicing my speech so that I came off as confident, secure and professional.
It meant that I had to reapply deodorant rapidly so that no one could see me sweat through my blouse.
It meant that after the meeting I would be rushing to a new meeting, hoping I didn't leave my laptop charger behind, texting someone that I couldn't make dinner and cursing my shoes because I couldn't walk fast enough in them and trying to not fall down the stairs while rapidly chewing down a granola bar to stop the lightheadedness and overwhelming sense of panic and doooooom....yiiiiikes.
This was... stability. For years.
Was it?
Or was I...surviving in style?
For many years, I thought that stability meant only material comfort...especially in regards to finances.
If you had asked me, "do you feel stable...internally?"... I probably wouldn't have known how to respond to that question.
My inner stability was so enmeshed with my external, material stability that I had little else.
Inner stability, as I've come to learn over time, is more about emotional security.
And spirituality plays a big part in this.
Do you feel safe being YOU?
Do you feel safe expressing your unique thoughts?
Do you feel safe expressing how you feel?
Sometimes we need to reexamine what safety really means...especially when instability comes roaring at us like a tornado.
When our job or finances change.
When we need to move.
When a relationship ends.
When a health situation pops up.
When a loved one passes on.
Suddenly, the things that made us feel safe...suddenly feel less so.
Chaos has entered our world, and money can't calm an internal storm.
But chaos and instability come with a gift.
It may not feel like it, in the moment, but if we ask...
What is this moment teaching me?
It is always inviting a change.
To learn more about what we truly value.
What our deepest desires are.
What our core wounds are.
And by diving deep into our subconscious, we can "reprogram" ourselves for a new, and better reality.
In this moment... the moment when shit truly hits the fan -- we ask ourselves:
What do I build on in my life, when the old foundation no longer holds?
Many of you know I changed from a full-time career in advertising to working as a freelance brand strategist.
But what you may not know is when I was in Peru, with no way of knowing when I would return home, during a global pandemic...the very freelance job that was keeping me afloat suddenly offered an ultimatum.
Join us full time, or we let you go.
I had truly been enjoying the freelance life -- being able to work how and when I wanted to, from the other side of the world.
The ad agency I had been freelancing for was going through major shifts internally, and laying people off.
I was doing great work for them, but they wanted to know if I was in -- or I'd be out.
This decision brought up a tremendous amount of anxiety, restlessness and unease.
I'd worked so hard for this relative "freedom" and it was about to be stripped away from me.
So, what did I do?
I negotiated from Peru, buying time. But when I finally flew back to Milwaukee, the weight of it all hit me at once. I panic-applied to 400+ jobs.
I didn't want my old life of working full-time in an environment that made my nervous system feel like it was in fight-or-flight mode daily. But I didn't want to be jobless either.
My confidence had taken a massive hit.
But it was in this space, that I found the most growth.
I found tools for psychological healing...ways to actually know myself and my values.
I began calming my nervous system through meditation, yoga, and breathwork.
I learned the archetypical system of tarot to name my emotions and patterns.
I took courses in energy healing, which led me to understanding the subconscious beliefs that were running the show in my mind.
One course in particular stood out, as the teacher told us -- start examining your core beliefs....
...around money.
...around security.
...around values.
...around politics.
...around health.
...around religion.
And ask yourself where they came from.
Then ask: "is this belief still true for me?"
It's a humbling exercise, but it works.
Because you begin to see the inner blueprint of what makes up our foundation -- what we're built on...what makes us who we are...and know that it CAN be changed for the better.
So...if life is feeling a little unstable...here are 3 ways to offer yourself some new stability.
#1: The Safety Origin Map
Our nervous system learned about stability somewhere...often from childhood, from watching our parents/other adults, from over responsibility, from emotional unpredictability, from scarcity...or even from true instability.
Sometimes getting to the root means we have to get REAL with where we picked things up from...
Writing freely about:
- Money. "In my family, money represented..." (Status? Greed? Success? Worthiness? Conflict? Impossibility -- it was hard to come by?)
- Love. "In my family, love was shown by..."(Buying things? Telling people you loved them? Physical touch? Deeds of service?)
- or...love was withheld by...(Silence, Emotional instability, Lack of sharing/expressing feelings? Fighting?)
- Worth. "In my family...I learned that being worthy means..."(Doing what you are told? Working non-stop? Perfection? Perfomance? Marrying into a good family? Getting a job that pays well?)
- Stability. "I associate stability with..."
- Instability. "I associate instability with..."
(You can also explore other topics around health, politics, religion, etc.)
Then go back and read your answers...and ask yourself:
Did I choose these values?
or
Did I inherit them unconsciously?
The awareness breaks the pattern. You get to choose what you value.
You can change your beliefs to make them personally true...for you.
#2: Values Audit + Realignment
After seeing what you value about money, love, and worth -- you can start seeing what places in your life and what people are not aligned with your values.
Asking yourself:
- What work/situation/place/relationship drains me?
- What feels heavy (but familiar?)
- Where do I need better boundaries?
- Where haven't I been expressing how I truly feel? Why am I hiding?
- If the need for approval vanished, how would I live?
These answers show us what we've outgrown, and where just a little bit of courage is required to move forward.
#3 The New Foundation
The fear around not having enough money is actually related to a survival fear.
We are tribal creatures, wired though community to find safety.
It is often by shifting our focus to both gratitude and community that we can alleviate this primal fear and see that we ARE (actually) safe.
And we're not alone.
Ask yourself:
- Who makes me feel safe?
- Who am I truly seen by?
- Who relaxes my nervous system?
- Who makes me feel happy?
- When was the last time I truly felt alive...who was that with?
- What environments feel natural to me?
- What work feels good to me?
This allows us to naturally find safety and true, inner stability.
With the people we love.
In environments that nourish us, not drain us.
With work that fulfills us.
When we look at what's working, what feels good -- we tell the universe, "more of that, please!" and it shows up.
Here's what I've found:
Safety is not something the world hands you. It is not external.
Stability is something that you learn to build within yourself, again and again.
It is in choosing to see what isn't in alignment...rather than pretending its all good.
It is in redefining your own worth, and seeing that your value isn't earned through exhaustion.
Through performance.
Through perfection.
Safety is found in truly feeling seen for being you, not guarding or hiding our self-expression out of fear of judgement.
Safety is found in self-trust.
In rooting deep into your own inner foundation, and knowing at the core, whatever happens...that all is well. I will be ok. I am safe. I trust myself.
So if instability is showing up for you right now... in your job, your nervous system, your relationships, your bank account, or even your sense of worth...
It is life saying:
“You’re stronger than the version of you who once settled for survival.”
Choose one place in your life where things feel unstable.
Lean in.
Name the truth you’ve been avoiding.
And take one aligned action in the direction of your own self-worth.
Not ten steps.
Just one true step.
You are worth it.
And here's a little secret....you don’t need certainty to move forward. Nope.
You just need honesty.
Trust yourself enough to take the next right step. For you.
2026 is asking you to become someone braver, softer, and more self-aligned than you’ve ever been.
You know what you need to do.
And you’re ready.
I believe in you!
You got this.
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